


My Love is Forever

by Aurorajns



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, F/M, Graphic Description, Historical Inaccuracy, I had to find a villain, Jon Snow and the Starks Are Not Related, Loosely based on a greek tv show, Romance, Sorry Lannister fans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:07:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26013091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aurorajns/pseuds/Aurorajns
Summary: Jon finds his way back to the North after he volunteered in the war for Dorne's independence. He comes back changed and ashamed for the broken promises he made. While Jon and Sansa find their way back to each other, the Boltons are ready to take complete control over the North in the Lannister's name and they will do whatever it takes for it.
Relationships: Jon Snow/Sansa Stark
Comments: 20
Kudos: 32





	1. The Homecoming

**Author's Note:**

> This is an au that has been in my head ever since I watched a tv series. It is loosely inspired by historical events. This is not a historically accurate story, I was just inspired by some events and decided to write a Jonsa au that will be completely my head's imagination. The inspiration is there, because I need to start somewhere but other than that nothing else is accurate!! Don't come at me in the comments.  
> To clear up a few things, this is an au in which:  
> 1\. The era is undefined, it has nothing to do with historical times, it is just inspired by some events. The characters live in a conservative society, you know the usual.  
> 2\. The Lannisters I guess are the villains. In case any Lannister fan comes accross this I am sorry guys.  
> 3\. Dorne was under Lannister reign but the people had enough and freed themselves.  
> 4\. The Starks hold the position of Wardens of The North and are respected but they do not leave in a castle.

The winds were howling and snow was slowly falling as Jon got off the ship, setting his feet on Northern ground after years of being away. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, trying to remember how his life was before the last five years, before he saw destruction and death.

No matter how hard he tried, war would always haunt his mind. He will never forget the death of thousands, he will never forget what it felt like to wake up only to not know if he would manage to survive the day.

When he volunteered for the war for Dorne's independence he left Winterfell behind, he left his family behind.

_He left Sansa behind._

He could only hope that she would forgive him someday.

The truth was that Jon is a coward. He faced men on the batttlefield, he has seen horrid things, he has killed men with his own hands, but when it came to Sansa he had been a coward. He left her without saying goodbye, he abandoned her after all the promises they made, he shamed her and himself.

The letter he wrote, explaining his reasons for leaving, begging for her forgiveness and hoping that she would understand, was a poor attempt to inform her of his departure. 

He also pleaded with her to not wait for him. Jon did not know if he would survive the war and he did not want Sansa to be unhappy. 

He was certain that if he faced her, if he tried to say goodbye in person, he would not have made it to Dorne.

He would not have been the man he is today.

Dorne was finally free so at least his going to war was not for nothing. But the North needed him now, his mother needed him and he would do whatever it took to protect them.

He had heard of the Boltons' terrorizing people in the streets, he had heard that even Sansa was in danger. The North was safe no longer, the Lannisters had their eye on it. They tried to destroy Dorne and now they thought that the North would be theirs.

Jon was not going to let that happen.

He opened his eyes, taking in his frozen surroundings and feeling a warmth at his chest by the familiar scenery around him. The dock was crowded, people were pushing each other out of the way, families were too anxious to find their sons, brothers or husbands. 

He searched the crowd, trying to find his mother's familiar face, her grey eyes and her dark hair much the same as his own. 

"Jon!" He suddenly heard a deep gruff voice calling out to him. He turned his head and there was standing Ned Stark, Sansa's father and a man that Jon always looked up to. Ever since he was a boy and his mother would take him to the Starks, he remembered Ned treating him like a son. 

Jon was not sure how he would welcome him now, after breaking his daughter's heart.

Ned walked towards him and put his hand on his shoulder. Jon's breath came out short. He wished that the man was proud of him at least and happy to see him alive.

"It is so good to see you, son! Your mother has not stopped worrying since you left." He exclaimed with a chuckle at the end and Jon saw the unshed tears in his eyes while trying to hold his own.

_Son._

Ned Stark would always call him son since he was convinced that his daughter would marry him.

To hear him still using the endearment almost caused him to let out a sob right then and there.

"Have you seen her anywhere?" Jon asked while looking around trying to find her in the sea of people that surrounded them. Some were laughing and hugging, happy to be reunited with their families and others were crying and wailing, heartbroken to hear that their loved ones were lost.

Jon did not know if he would ever manage to smile again, he did not think he would ever be truly happy after the war. As he witnessed mothers and daughters, fathers and brothers screaming in agony for the lost souls, he did not think that he deserved to be happy.

"Jon!" A familiar, soft voice cried out and tears fell from his eyes at the sound of his mother after years of not being able to see her and cling at her skirts whenever he was terrified, like he did as a child.

"Oh my son, my sweet son!" Lyanna Snow was sobbing as she ran to her beloved boy, longing to take him in her arms after so many years, pushing people out of the way because she wanted to make sure that this was not a dream, that her son was here and alive.

"Mother!" Jon whimpered and started sobbing as well. Lyanna finally reached him and engulfed him in her arms, her hold tight to make sure that her son would not leave again.

"Oh how I've missed you my boy, my sweet boy, our hero!" Jon cried harder at the sound of her words.

He was no hero, he was just lucky to be alive. He did not deserve to be called a hero when he could not even save his people.

"He is a man now, Lyanna. Everybody is waiting to meet him again." Ned interrupted them after a moment and Jon was reminded again about how he had to manage to face everyone he abandoned.

"He will always be my boy Ned." His mother smiled through her tears and pulled away from the hug, enough to get a good look of him. She studied his face and his new scars as tears fell uncontrolled.

"Let us go, my son. There is a feast in Winterfell's castle to welcome back all the soldiers. Let us go, there are many waiting for you." Lyanna said as she caressed her son's face, trying to be strong as she looked into his eyes.

"Let us go." Jon finally decided, thinking that he could not avoid the situation any longer

* * *

As mother and son were riding side by side toward the Winterfell castle, Jon did not stop fidgeting, fear taking over him at the thought of facing Sansa after years and not being able to touch her or kiss her and tell her how much he missed her.

Most of all he feared that she would be married already. The thought of another man with her, sleeping every night beside her and waking up to see her beautiful fire-red hair and blue eyes, the image of another man touching and kissing his love made his skin itch. 

Jon did not know how he would control himself if he was welcomed with such a sight.

"It was nice of Ned to come and see you at the docks." His mother whispered as Ned Stark rode at the front and away from hearing distance.

"Aye, especially after everything." Jon let out as he hung his head low, ashamed to be reminded of one of the ways he failed to be honorable in his life.

"Do not worry son. Everybody understands why you went away. I did not mean to upset you." She told him and he turned to look at her, seeing the sadness in her eyes.

"You did not upset me mother." Jon reassured her with a smile that did not reach his eyes.

He found it difficult to be happy about anything, it was draining for him to put a fake smile on his face and please the people around him, even for his mother, whom he loved so much.

"Sansa has been waiting for you all this time." Jon's breath hitched at the sound of his mother's words. "The girl has refused every suitor." Lyanna continued and he closed his eyes, inhaling sharply. 

"It does not matter mother, I am sure that they will find a match for her." Jon managed to get out through gritted teeth. He did not want to hear it, he did not want to believe that Sansa would waste her life like that and that she hoped for their union when he came back.

The problem was that he did not want to marry her when he knew that she would be unhappy at his side, he did not want to taint her with his miserable thoughts.

"Jon, I am sure she knows why-" His mother started again but he did not wish to discuss this any longer and so he interrupted, "I am sure she will find a good man, a good man that is not me because I cannot marry her. My decision is final."

"You cannot marry her but you want to!" She cried out and Jon sighed, finding the conversation draining. "What do you think will happen when you meet at the feast? Do you really think she has not forgiven you?"

"Mother, stop!" 

After that Lyanna gave up and a tense silence grew between them. In truth, there is nothing more that he wished than to see Sansa and take her in his arms, but in his heart he knew that he had to push her away. It was not right to treat her this way, he had dishonored her and he had no right to marry her after all this time.

He only hoped that she would make it easy, he prayed that his mother was wrong and that Sansa held bitterness in her heart for him.

He could see the towers of the Winterfell castle in the distance and dread took over him once again. He was not ready to face them again, he was not ready to be called a hero and celebrate his comeback when in reality he was just another killer.

Jon was aware that war would change him, he was not a stupid boy who wanted to be honorable and heroic and fight for what is right, just like how he imagined Ned had been in the Great War many years ago.

Or maybe he was exactly that stupid boy.

The boy who believed he would be brave if he fought, the boy who believed that he could handle battle, that he would survive.

And as he crossed the gates of Winterfell he felt dead inside.

Screams and laughs and cries surrounded him. People were clapping and smiling, welcoming home the brave warriors who fought for the right cause.

But what do they know of right or wrong? What is right in war? What is right in killing another man? What is right in taking the life of someone's brother, father or husband? 

Everything is right and everything is wrong.

"Still brooding I see." He heard his best friend's voice as he got off his horse. 

"Robb!" Jon exclamed and immediately hugged the man who he considered as his brother. 

"Welcome back, brother." Robb whispered and Jon could feel the fresh tears forming in the corners of his eyes. 

"Come on, everyone is waiting inside." Robb grinned as he pulled away and patted him in the back. 

And so Jon started walking towards the inside of the castle, where he knew who was waiting for him and he could only dread her reaction to seeing him.

As he reached the great hall he could hear the cheerful music, people were dancing or laughing or getting drunk. 

He could see families embracing and celebrating and he looked around trying to spot familiar faces, so he could prepare himself.

Suddenly, a series of happy screams filled the hall and he saw Arya, Bran and Rickon running towards him in full force.

As they all hugged him, he could not help but feel a warmth in his heart and a tight lipped smile gracing his face.

"Don't ever leave again Jon." Rickon whined and he felt his heart breaking a little.

As he ruffled their hair, he heard a gasp.

"Jon." Sansa's sweet voice filled his ears.

He looked up and sure enough there she was, with a happy smile on her face and somehow looking even more beautiful. 

His heart started beating faster, his breaths coming out short and he could only stand there and wait for her next move. She took fasts steps to reach him, almost breaking into a run but changing her mind at the last minute.

She stopped suddenly, right before him, close enough for him to see all the love in her eyes but far enough so they could not hold each other.

How he missed her embrace and how he longed for her. He wished to wrap her up in his arms and never let her go, to run his hands over her red hair and kiss her like he always did.

He gulped and feared what she would do next. "Thank the Gods you came back." She said in a soft tone. 

He sat there like the fool he was and gave her a sharp nod, but he could see the tears that were streaming down her face and how hard she tried to control herself.

He clenched his jaw and turned away from her. He decided it would be best if he sat down and ate after the long journey he had, so he started striding towards an empty table. His torture however, did not seem to end as Robb followed him and he could see Catelyn Stark approaching from the corner of his eye.

"Welcome back Jon. We are all so happy that you are here." She said with a bright smile and he thanked her for her kind words.

Catelyn left welcome the others but Robb was intent on finding out about his sudden cold behaviour and kept questioning him.

"Your sister deserves to be happy Robb and I can't give her that." Jon declared and the shock on his friend's face was inevitable.

"What are you talking about? She has been waiting all this time, she promised herself to you. You guys were so impatient to get married." Robb exclaimed agitated. "I did not ask her to wait for me, nor were we engaged. I am not going to marry your sister." Jon poured wine in a cup and downed it in one go.

"Warm welcome." Robb whispered and finally he got up to leave him alone.

He felt another presence beside him and he turned to find his mother's disappointed face looking down at him. She sat in Robb's place and sighed.

Jon did not feel like talking anymore so he got up and left the great hall, the music becoming more muffled as he turned corner after corner and found an abandoned room in which he could be alone.

He closed the door with force and stalked towards the desk. He gripped the edges of the wood, lowered his head and closed his eyes.

He tried to control his breathing and block the memories that were haunting his head.

_He studied the blue rose that was in his hands as he waited for Sansa at their usual spot by the lake. It had only been a day, but to spend a day without kissing her was torture for him._

_The sound of leaves crunching as someone approached pulled him out of his thoughts and soon enough he could see Sansa in her light blue dress with her hair pulled back in a neat braid._

_She broke into a little run, all the while beaming at him and jumped into his arms. He embraced her tightly, closing his eyes and nuzzling his face at her neck, placing a tender kiss there._

_She giggled and pulled back. She weaved her hands in his hair and had a mischievious look in her sky-blue eyes._

_"Aren't you going to kiss me?" She asked as her lips hovered above his own. He grinned and placed his mouth on hers in a sweet kiss that quickly turned needy and passionate._

_The rose fell from his hand. He could feel her chest pressing against his own, her full breasts against his body with every sharp breath she took. His hands were around her waist but they started roaming her back, coming down lower until he grasped her behind and pushed her even closer against him and she let out a little moan that drove him mad._

_Nothing could separate them now._

_"I am going to marry you soon. I love you." He whispered upon her lips and he felt her grinning as he continued kissing her._

Jon squeezed his eyes shut, trying so hard to stop more memories from resurfacing. The pang in his chest would not go away as long as he remembered how he had happiness but now lost it forever.

The sound of the door suddenly opening pulled him out of his miserable thoughts and he turned abruptly to curse whoever came in but instead he was speechless as he found Sansa standing at the entrance of the room.

She came in, softly closed the door and leaned back to it. She never took her eyes off him and he felt vulnerable under her loving gaze.

Her hands were fidgeting with the sleeves of her grey dress and Jon tried to look at anywhere but her in order to control himself and not break down.

"Did you ever think of me?" Sansa asked in a small voice and his eyes went from the ground to her face.

She started pacing towards him and she looked so hopeful and so relieved to have him here. She looked radiant, just like he remembered her and even more so.

_Of course I did. Every minute of every day. Even when I was starving, even when I was injured._

_Even when I was dying._

_Especially when I was dying._

But instead, "No."

Just like that, with a simple word he knew that he had lost her, he hoped that he had lost her. She stopped in her tracks and clenched her jaw.

"I find that very hard to believe." Sansa sounded on the verge of tears and he lowered his head again, seeing her dress bunched up in her fists and he decided it was best to leave.

He shook his head, walked past her and out of the room, all the while holding his tears back.


	2. Monster Among Men

Jon could not sleep the nights back in his home. He has not slept well in ages. The bed that he had spent so many nights on did not offer him any comfort, nor did it fade the memories that were haunting him.

_Blood. So much blood everywhere but the only thing he could focus on were his hands. Hands stained with filth. Hands stained with sin._

_He looked down at the man he had just killed. He tried to see his face, tried to understand for a moment that this man had a family waiting for him._

_He closed his eyes and inhaled sharply, preparing to continue killing man after man, destroying their families in the meantime so he could save his._

_He opened his eyes and with a scream charged at the enemy._

Jon tried very hard to block the horrid images, he tried to move on. But he knew it in his heart that no matter how much time passed he would always be a soldier. He would always be a killer that regretted ever going to war.

He would always be a monster.

How was it fair that he is alive when he should be rotting in hell. How was it possible that his mother still loves him, still views him as her son. How was it possible that Sansa waited for him all this time when he specifically asked her not to.

He should never have fallen in love with her, he should never have touched her or made any promise to her. He was not a man of honour and he did not deserve any of the happy memories she had gifted him.

He was a monster and he destroyed everything he touched. Killing was the only thing he was good at. Death was all he knew.

Remembering now the heartbroken look on Sansa's face he was even more ashamed. He crushed her hopes and dreams without giving a damn about what she would feel. It was better this way. 

Better she understood now that he was not worth it.

Jon had spent the night thinking of Sansa and her smile and how happy he managed to make her before everything went downhill.

He got off the bed and made his way to the window, just in time to see the sun rising. He tried to take deep breaths, tried to calm his mind but nothing worked.

He had to live with his actions and when the time came he would pay for them.

Jon watched as dawn started to break, as light slowly began to wash over the North. His mother would knock on his door any moment now to remind him to get ready for reception. He had no desire to go to the Sept and face everyone once again. He'd rather visit the Godswood like he always did before.

* * *

Jon felt like he could not breathe. So many people around him again, this time a peaceful silence surrounding him.

"Stop fidgeting, son." His mother whispered while bringing her hand to rest on his forearm, an attempt to soothe him no doubt. "Sansa won't stop looking at you." She continued with a knowing smile on her face.

Ever since he came back he avoided Sansa at every chance he got. He was not the man she fell in love with and she would only be disappointed in what he had become. Whenever he saw her in Wintertown, their gazes met and he felt as if he caught on fire. He always looked away, always turned his back to her and left before she could talk to him.

Before his mother could utter another word, Jon shook his head, took a deep breath and broke from her hold. Without acknowledging what she mentioned he walked out of the Sept, in need of fresh air.

He did not deserve Sansa. He knew that from the first moment he laid eyes on her. But he would have tried to be the man she wanted.

Now he could never be that man.

His mother may not understand and he did not wish to explain to her. After what he said to Sansa at the welcoming feast he had no hope for them to get back together. He only wished that she would see that too and seek another man to make her happy.

Because Jon was not a man and he could never bring her joy.

"You never really liked the Sept reception." The sound of an angelic voice filled the air and Jon felt his breath coming out short.

He should have known she would be out here after she saw him leaving. They always did that before.

Before everything went to shit.

"We feel a deeper connection with the Old Gods, you know that." He managed to croak out. 

He still had his back to her, he could not bear to meet her gaze. He would not control himself if he saw the heartbreak in her eyes.

"Do you remember how we always sneaked out?" She asked in a small voice, almost afraid of his reaction.

Of course he remembered.

_Their gazes met across the Sept. Sansa had a shy smile gracing her face, trying so hard to contain herself and Jon could not stop looking at her with that lovesick expression._

_His mother nudged him discreetly and he turned his face forward, but his mind was still on that smile._

_The most beautiful smile and the prettiest eyes twinkling. Sansa's whole face lighting up as he teased her and she giggled._

_He moved to get out of the Sept, ignoring his mother's stern look. Sansa turned her head and noticed him and as their eyes met she understood._

_Five minutes later she was out, he took her hand in his and they ran towards the lake._

_"Be quiet!" He tried to be serious but it came out as a chuckle as he heard her non-stop giggling._

_"Be quick!" She retaliated with a smile on her face._

_Jon stopped and he pulled her in his arms. She looked up at him with a grin and mischief in her eyes. "What?" She asked and bit her lip._

_Jon could not resist her anymore and he crashed their lips together. Sansa's hands went to his hair and he cupped her bottom._

_"Not here!" She gasped but he continued and moved his lips down to her neck._

"You can't even look at me, can you?" She sounded on the verge of tears and he felt ashamed. Even when he tried to push her away, to give her a better life by removing himself from hers, he still managed to mess everything up.

"You should get back inside." He whispered, while squeezing his eyes shut.

"I waited for you and you won't even look at me. I am trying to understand what is happening to you but you do not talk to me. What changed?" She cried out.

Jon suddenly turned around. "Stop trying Sansa." He almost screamed. 

"I will never give up on us." She whispered after a moment. She took a step towards him. Then another and another, coming closer and closer.

She hesitated, but slowly she placed her hands on his face, gently cupping his cheeks. He leaned for a moment to her touch, sighing and closing his eyes to the feel of her hands on his body, to the feel of her love for him. "I am not the man for you." He whimpered.

"Please Jon, I can't take this anymore. It's been days since you came back and you are pushing me away. I missed you so much." She sobbed and her hands moved to tangle in his hair, trying to keep him as close to her as she could.

He almost gave in, he almost kissed her, he almost took her in his arms.

But in the end his guilt won. He gulped and uttered the words that he would regret forever. The words that would make her heart bleed and every hope of hers die.

"Stop. I do not love you anymore. Stop and live your life without me."

She gasped and sobbed. "You are lying!"

"You are lying. Please, this is not who you are!" She continued.

He could not bear to see her like this. Jon has killed men, he has saved men, he saw lives being taken but when it came to her tears he was weak. He was weak and a coward.

"Of course I am lying!" He cried out. "Of course I love you but we can't be together anymore. Stop hoping and stop trying!" He pulled away from her and turning his back to her love once again, he left her there to cry and hate him.

To move on without him.

To move on and love someone who is not a monster.

**Author's Note:**

> Jon is not an asshole. He just came back from war. Let's give him some time.  
> Love how I started with angst.  
> I am so excited for this story and hope you guys like it!!


End file.
